I took a creative break of about two years but have been much more inspired lately and have recently written many poems. I generally write deeply personal literature about mental health or other subjects like love, philosophy, and the state of the world. Also, from now on I’ll better utilize my website by writing more articles and posting the work I’ve accumulated.
The poems in this article are about two of my high school relationships. I had strong feelings for the people I was involved with, and fortunately, I eventually found closure. I’ve also had conversations with these individuals where forgiveness was given.
The titles of these poems describe my mental state throughout the years and while I was in these relationships. I know that many can relate to having self-deprecating thoughts and low self-esteem.
The poems in the article are called Descension, Obsession, and Rumination. Descension is an alternate, darker take on my one-page comic collaboration with John Howard (@JohnHowardDraws) and Fariz Muzakki (@MuzakkiStudio), entitled Progression.
Additionally, I used my favorite quote in the article. Philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, said:
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“You are never destroyed by anyone except yourself.”
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Rumination
perhaps I thought
that if I told myself
I wouldn’t have her,
I could one day accept
that she wouldn’t have me.
Obsession
the same old thoughts have been haunting me
and I feel shame for what should have never been
and I feel longing for what could just never be.
I obsess over the past
and wonder if I’ve ever
truly known love at all.
Descension
we were living in the past
… detached and downcast
but seldom uninspired;
unquestionably suffering
from an aggressive disease:
fouled, forlorn, and chronic;
and as taboo, as the Moros method
of self-destructive release;
yet in the upset of the night
… you ignored the dotted lines,
and with needle and twine,
consoled my throbbing mind.
the art got me by, as we danced!
below blood-soaked sheets,
I cut and loved and sinned;
and placed you on an altar
atop demons and draugr.
alas! my psychosis overcame the once glorious and glowing.
no longer in your eyes, am I brilliant … I am beaming.
not ashamed of an inherent yet induced vulnerability,
nor yearning for the embrace of another, the victimized lover,
whose wailing cries won’t haunt me in the summertime.
I lied. I am living in my mind.
The Experiences That Inspired My First Poetry Collection
Having been diagnosed at a young age with generalized anxiety disorder, chronic major depressive disorder, and various other ailments of the mind, I was more than just a rebellious teenager with feelings of angst and sadness. I struggled to attend high school and am extremely fortunate that I graduated on time.
Like many young adults, I had trouble managing my relationships and lacked compassion for those around me. As time has passed (and although life is surely unpredictable), I’ve come to much better understand the results of my actions, and the effect that my compassion, or lack thereof, has on others.
In high school, I was in three major relationships. These relationships were all very different from one another. Although they occurred over ten years ago, the deep emotions that I felt during this time in my life were very real.
I used to let my disability define me as a person, and my life has improved drastically throughout the years (through perseverance during the worst of times, like when I was bed-ridden for an entire year in my early twenties), my fear of being alone coupled with my lack of closure and self-confidence led to obsessive thinking.
I would blame myself for every wrong decision I had ever made and group myself into categories with others I had little or no respect for. I also had strong feelings for two of my exes, simultaneously, and felt overwhelming guilt for this and for the way I had treated them.
I am now extremely grateful, because I have found closure through time, and have had conversations with these individuals where understandings have formed, and forgiveness has been given. I wrote these poems as a way to cope with my negative emotions and the despair I felt after having been separated from the people that I cared for as a young man.
While my wounds have healed and I was able to move onward with my life long ago, I hope these poems provide catharsis or act as a source of inspiration for not only those who are suffering from mental illness (and for those who struggle in relationships or society for this reason), but also for those who have unresolved feelings, or who have unwanted, distressing thoughts.