Bloodlust
I am passive;
I can’t express my anger.
it bottles up to burst;
I put myself in danger.
I can’t rely on self-harm:
that never worked,
but what is even stranger,
is that despite the failings of the blade,
its wicked strength, I wonder…
have I put it all behind me?
why can’t I keep appointments?
who else is there to blame?
I distort the only space
where I feel safe
when I look into the empty pits
of a loved one’s eyes
and all I feel is hate.
About Bloodlust
I composed Bloodlust many months ago during a difficult time in my life. Nonetheless, it’s meant to represent the anger and uncertainty residing within us all.
Learning to place trust in ourselves can be a tremendous challenge. Nevertheless, when we are overwhelmed, taking a step back to think and prepare helps because it prevents us from making rash decisions. It also allows us to view situations from a less linear perspective.
I’m ashamed of the person I used to be, and in therapy, I’m learning to cope with that – but remember, you have the personal power to move forward from your mistakes.
Society will judge us for the mistakes we make, and sometimes for great reasons, but no matter how extreme or heinous our mistakes, at the end of the day, we must only make peace with ourselves, our gods, and if possible, those we have wronged.
It’s not easy but you can form new habits, better your circumstances, and manage your stress effectively with practice. Personally, goal tracker apps have helped me by giving me regular dopamine boosts whenever I complete tasks, and this is even one of the best excuses for me to be on my phone!
Overall, I’ve been doing quite well. However, I know that there will always be that other side to me – that which is the manifestation of my bad habits and the symptoms of my diagnoses, and which makes life frustrating!
Bloodlust mirrors the themes of poems like Mostly Mr. Hyde and this haiku –
I Wanted to Level Everything
Though I don’t truly feel this way, this poem was inspired by an earlier time in my life. During that time, I would frequently fantasize about being in life-or-death games with those closest to me.
Someone would always die because I’d purposely save everyone else before them.
This haiku is about being fed up with the world. It’s inspired by the movie, Saw, and its title is taken from a line during the last episode of Attack on Titan (one of my all-time favorite anime).
Distract Me
I tend to wake up feeling like I want to commit suicide.
Nothing distracts me from my bipolar, clinically psychotic mind.
I even lied, since masking instead, is politically correct.
And yes, the thought of being committed, again
so others may see the true, insufferable me
appeals almost as much as living happily.
It is chronic and it is forever, or at least until I die.
Heal me, savior. Teach me to value my life.
I see you there. Distract me tonight.
These things were never right.
About Distract Me
When writing Distract Me, I was conscious of the fact that I wanted to write what would be, perhaps, my most honest poem yet. Distract Me is about being content in misery. It’s also about being addicted to the chemicals your body produces when you’re in misery.
Upon experiencing stress and fear, or when you ruminate, your body releases chemicals like adrenaline (epinephrine), norepinephrine, and cortisol. As influencer Zevin Clark describes in his related Instagram reel, “At some point, your problems stop being something you have and start being something you protect.”
Clark’s statement resonates with me deeply. It reminds me of when I used to settle – whether in romantic relationships or regarding my own health and independence. Wallowing in misery became a habit and it became comfortable because it was familiar. I would romanticize self-harm and suicide, as if the former had ever served me well.
My therapist has taught me to identify which thoughts cause me to catastrophize or overgeneralize. I can challenge these thoughts by engaging in Socratic Questioning and by asking questions like –
- Is this perspective fueled by my feelings or by objective evidence?
- Am I exaggerating the reality of the situation?
- What alternative viewpoints might others have?
- Have I allowed someone else’s opinion to carry more weight than my own logical judgment?
- Is this a probable outcome or just a possibility?
By simply engaging in this exercise, I am retraining my brain. I’ve become better at managing my anxious thoughts, and if you are anything like me, you can make progress in this way too. Lately, I’ve even noticed that I am usually more excited about plans than anxious!
